How to Deal with Separation Anxiety and Sleep while Sleep Training your Baby
Understanding Separation Anxiety: Causes, Management, and Tips
Separation anxiety is a completely normal stage of childhood development. It begins once your baby starts understanding the concept of object permanence—the awareness that people and objects continue to exist even when they’re not visible. This developmental milestone can sometimes disrupt a well-established sleep routine, as separation anxiety often emerges alongside it and resolves once object permanence is fully grasped.
It’s important to remember that object permanence develops in stages, which means your child or young toddler will experience several phases of separation anxiety during their first four years.
Recognizing Separation Anxiety
Typical signs include:
Increased clinginess
Irritability during wakeful periods
A desire to be held more often
Crying when you leave the room
When Does It Occur?
At around 6-8 months, babies develop object permanence and begin to understand that they are separate entities from their caregivers. This is also when they start recognizing familiar faces and may show signs of separation anxiety, although it’s less common at this age.
Between 8-10 months, babies become more aware of daily routines and may exhibit separation anxiety during routine drop-offs at places like gym or church daycares, despite being accustomed to the caregivers.
Another peak of separation anxiety occurs in the second year, typically between 13-24 months, with a notable increase at 14-18 months.
Life changes such as moving, welcoming new siblings, or starting new daycare or school can also trigger separation anxiety due to the uncertainty associated with these transitions. Providing plenty of one-on-one quality time and showing consistent presence can help ease your child through these changes.
Comforting Items That Can Help:
A pillow with a family photo for bedtime
A photo your child can take to daycare or school
A special stuffed animal for sleep and bedtime routines
How to Support Your Baby or Young Toddler
Be Intentional!
Many parents try to prevent the tears associated with separation anxiety by sneaking out of the room, hoping the child won’t notice. However, this often results in the child becoming upset upon realizing the parent’s absence, inadvertently reinforcing the fear of separation.
Strategies for Intentional Support:
Acknowledge feelings of sadness and fear, and expect some tears as you work through separation anxiety.
Practice brief separations throughout the day, including in their crib or toddler bed.
Don’t avoid leaving the room; instead, communicate your departure with words and hand signals appropriate for their age.
Reassure them that you’ll return shortly, even if it’s just for a few seconds.
Comfort and physically reassure them upon your return.
Turn separations into a playful game, like “Peek-a-Boo.”
Regular practice will help your child navigate this milestone more easily, and the associated issues will resolve faster. Separation anxiety can affect nighttime sleep and nap behaviors, so frequent daytime practice is crucial for acclimating your child to this significant developmental step.
Best Practices for Managing Separation Anxiety
Maintain a consistent bedtime routine (bath, feed, book, sleep sack, song, goodnight) to signal sleep readiness to your baby’s brain. Avoid creating new sleep associations, like rocking to sleep, which can become expected habits if separation anxiety arises at bedtime or naptime.
Use predictability with familiar books and songs for comfort; repetition helps them anticipate what comes next.
Spend time in their room during the day to foster positive associations.
Establish an “I Love You” ritual with toddlers, such as saying goodnight to three chosen items, turning off the lights, and singing a song together.
If your child cries at night, it’s okay to comfort them after a brief wait to see if they self-soothe. Keep interactions unexciting and brief, and avoid taking them out of the crib to prevent creating an expectation for every wake-up.
Consistency is key. If you comfort them one night but let them cry the next, they may become increasingly clingy. Choose a consistent approach for both night and day.
If separation anxiety is significantly affecting your household and you’re seeking additional sleep resources, consider my sleep course designed for children aged 4 to 36 months.
